friday, 20 december, 2024

its been so long since i wrote an entry in here and sooo much has happened. i still feel so down and alone though. all i want in this life is to be loved and cared for. i feel like that is too much to ask for in this world. i dont understand why people feel the way they do about me. i feel so different compared to other people. they are so social; it feels like they can make friends with anyone. but me? i just cant. i havent been able to all my life. maybe this is why i feel such a dislike towards people. maybe im envious of them. most of the time, i like to pretend i am in another dimension, one where i am super happy and i have everything i want in this world. that i desperately desire for. sometimes i just cry because the feeling of being trapped in this world where i am so unwanted is just too unbearable. i really dont know what to do anymore. i truly hope that this anguish is worth it somehow even if it feels impossible to get over.

tuesday, 10 june, 2024

i feel like i was supposed to leave this place a long time ago and now time is messed up and i cant seem to get out. my head hurts and i feel so fucking irritated and angry with life. im writing this through my tears. i feel so fucking annoyed with this life of mine. i dont understand anything. i just want to leave. im so fed up with everyone... why does it have to be this hard... why do i have to go through so much to get what i want. why?

tuesday, 21 may, 2024

maybe in a different universe, ill be happy and satisfied with my life but i keep repeating to myself "why not this one?" why do i hurt so much? why is my destiny to die? i know its suicide, one way or another. i am suffering so much. i have so much pain beneath me. i cant back out next year like i did this year. i need to die. thats the only way to be happy and free. free from all the people i hate in this world. the ones who have done so much devastation to me and the planet. i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to close my eyes and sleep forever. in another life, ill be happy.

friday, 17 may, 2024

another entry... i dont know how to explain but my mind is eating me from the inside out. i found my entries from 2021-2022 and looking back on it, i was in the same position i am now. how hopeless. i also hate having a crush on someone, i get attached and jealous too fast. i get angry and hate myself and ohmygosh, its just so embarrasing. anyways, enough about that. i had a horrible day today and im still so stressed out. all i keep thinking about is A and death. i wish there was a way to contact him... on the other side. there should be a way... i need to reach him. he's the only one that'll make me feel better. i am so fucking sad and angry. i cant stand being here any longer. i feel like im dead already. i have no purpose in this body, in this lifetime. i feel sick... how do you stop getting jealous and mad over the smallest things? i get psychically ill when i start getting jealous which leads me to wanting to take it out on myself.

thurday, 16 may, 2024

there are too many things going on right now that i cant handle and its making me stressed as fuck. i also missed my first therapy session and i lowkey regret it but oh well. my favorite artist dmed me and he put my playlist on his spotify page which made me really happy -- thankfully that is one thing that happened today that made me feel good. but i wish i could just disappear and run away to a new place where no one knows me... have a fresh start. im really tired of all this life shit, its draining the living fuck out of me. how do i make this stop? i cannot see a future where i make it past 21 and being 19 right now makes it even more scarier? i dont know the right word to describe it. i need to make it stop. i need to find a way...

sunday, 12 may, 2024

i honestly dont know what to say anymore... i feel like i ran out of things to say. time has been moving slower and then faster. it feels like an illusion. like im living in an illusion. i feel like my time is up but im still here which is messing up the timeline and everything in it. my relationships with people are slowly becoming better, yes? thats the only good part but i feel like a ticking timebomb waiting to explode. i feel so disgusted with myself -- i can hardly understand why people want to be my friend. "youre not like the rest of them" how am i not? i took that as a compliment. the best one i have recieved in a while. it felt nice. i love my friends. they are the only thing that is keeping me from going completely insane. i swear i would be nothing without them. i have the constant fear of getting abandoned by them -- why is this? i start therapy again in 2 days... which is kinda nervewracking. i want to open up to the best of my ability and find out whats really wrong with me. ive been debating on saying something about A but i dont know. theyll try to take me away from him if i do. i also have to start taking meds again. fuck.

wednesday, 31 january, 2024

i am so out of touch with reality and this world that i am beginning to believe i do not belong here. i have learned that so long ago though. my true form is not this body nor is it here. i know it has to do something with this strange force that has been guiding me & pulling me into bliss. i am experiencing something i cannot understand. this entity wants me back and it will keep on pushing and forcing me until i finally collape and dissolve.

thursday, 8 june, 2023

the hatred i have towards humans is unreal. everyday is hell being in a world with them. all i feel is HATE when i see them. i hate how they can percieve me and form opinions and thoughts about me. i can only stand about 4 people here in this planet and the rest i just want to go away. i am too fucking frustrated with life and what it has caused me and made me feel. i am so tired.. so insanely tired. i cant think, i cant concentrate, i cant speak properly, i cant do anything right.

"My thought today is that it's better to exist forever in people's minds than just living 70 years." - Guilherme Taucci 4/28/17

saturday, 20 may, 2023

i do not understand anything at all. why did this have to happen to me? everything is a blur... a disaster. i am a ticking time bomb waiting to strike at any giving time. i remember when life was okay at one point when nothing could bring ever me down now everything is messed up and the only thing that can help me be free is to be away from the world. i wish i could go back to the time i was never born.

tuesday, 7 march, 2022

id like to believe theres an afterlife ; a realm of souls where we are guided by advanced spirits and guided from there. thats a belief i have so i wont be scared of the afterlife. but the only scientific thing that makes actual sense is that we go into nothingness . it will just be like before u were born except forever ; infinitely.
ive been trying so fucking hard to be satisfied with my life and im still not happy. i cant believe this is my life. i wish everything and everyone would go away and i can be with the ones i love. yet theyre all dead and thats not happening anytime soon. i am barely holding into life. this string is getting looser every single day.